Burj dreams

Some facts about the Burj:

• The Burj was, until recently, the world's only seven-star hotel. Now it's one of two. The other is in Abu Dhabi. So that's something for Nermal to think about next time Garfield mails him there.
  
  
• The Burj is meant to resemble a giant sailboat. It does, in fact, look like one, evidenced by the fact that my friends and I once saw a real sailboat on the Persian Gulf and we all remarked, at the same time: "That boat looks like the Burj."
  
  
• The Burj has a giant cross on the sea-facing side. Yes, that's right: A. Giant. Cross. That's "cross," as in, Christianity, and "giant," as in, it's possibly ten times taller than that red metal tower that they use to launch the space shuttle. It is definitively the biggest cross in the Middle East, and possibly the biggest in the world.
  
  How did such a giant cross – a GIANT cross! – get to be built in a country so Islamic that it shuns toilet paper, on the grounds that the name of Allah could possibly be written out in doo-doo?* The answer is that the Burj's South African architect snuck that cross on there, and not a single person noticed until it was done. The sheikhs only realized it when the architect bragged about it after the fact. He was quickly jailed.
  
  Don't worry, they eventually let him go when they couldn't think of a reason to hold him. Now it's the funniest part on the Jumeirah tour. For God's sake, the cross is pointed right at Iran, just a few steps across the Gulf! And of course Saudi Arabia, that beacon of unwavering good sense, is plenty pissed off. Many of Dubai's license plates have a drawing of the Burj, much like the Statue of Liberty on New York plates. Saudi won't allow those cars to enter. Way to go, Saudi! That'll teach those Christians!**
  
  
  You can see the outline of the cross opposite the Starship Enterprise there. You'll recall that the Starship Enterprise helipad also serves as a tennis court, fondly known by me as The Highest Court in the Land.***
  
  
• The Burj has an underwater seafood restaurant. So that while you eat a fish, its surviving relatives can watch you.
  
  
• Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors has an ice cream treat named "The Burj." It's a giant, heaping mound of ice cream.
  
  
• You may recall that I once swore, near the beginning of my Dubai adventure, that I would enter the Burj, so help me God. As it turns out, God wasn't in a helping sort of mood on this one.
  
  It never happened, though not for lack of effort on my part. I wasn't able to get a reservation, even for dinner. I'm simply not Burj material, people. For the gaping chasm in stature between the Burj and myself, the Burj might as well be the moon. I won't be visiting either one. The Burj has become a symbol for unquenchable yearning, an unattainable ideal of perfection floating on a plane of existence I will never even understand, let alone experience. Also, $52 seems really steep for a door charge.
  
  So here's my final shot of the Burj, glimmering in twilight. The photo was taken with my face pressed up against the iron gate, my arms snaked through the bars so at least the camera could taste the pleasure of visiting the Burj grounds. Adieu, Burj. You cold, beautiful bitch.

* Unconfirmed but highly plausible.
** Cursed infidels!
*** Yeah, I stole that joke, OK? What are you going to do about it?