Gary Porter and the Chechen Boy
My favorite student is a Russian-speaking Chechen boy whom I tutor for two hours every day in English. I absolutely love this kid. These two hours are the highlight of my day, every day.
The British textbook we use is lame, so we have to improvise. We're supposed to say things to each other like:
"How much is a hamburger and chips?"
"It's 3 pounds 50p. Would you like some tea?"
"Cheers."
Well, I'll be damned if I'm going to let him talk like that. So instead we make up characters to sit at all the empty desks and ask each other questions about these imaginary friends. Personal details are heavily influenced by the student's (call him "M") favorite hobby.
Eric: Who's that over there? (points at empty chair)
M: Bob.
Eric: What's Bob's last name?
M: Half-Life 2: Counter Strike.
So today, in addition to Bob Half-Life 2: Counter Strike, we were joined by Jim ("Jeem"), an out-of-work Spanish teacher living in L.A., and Tim ("Teem") a plastic surgeon from Las Vegas who plays with his sons in his spare time.
In the fourth chair sat "Gary."
Eric: What's Gary's last name?
M: Him last name "Porter."
Eric: "His"
M: His name Gary Porter.
Eric: "is"
M: Him name is Gary Porter.
And so on.
Eric: What's Gary's job?
M: Magic man.
Eric: Interesting.
M: Yes.
Eric: What languages does he speak?
M: He speak English only. But -- (mimes tapping wand against head) -- plink, now Franch. Now Germany.
Eric: Nice.
Eric: Where does Gary live?
M: He live London, but school in magic world house, something.
Eric:
M: Him train, palace.
Eric: Hmmmm.
Eric: Does Gary have family? (These are the standard questions.)
M: He have parents, but them dead. Them killed with... Bad... Magic Boy.
M is grinning. Something is itching at my brain here.
M: Eric, you know Gary! You heerd him.
Eric: I don't think so.
M: Magical man! (mimes making pen disappear, pulling coin out of ear)
Damn, is this a famous magician I haven't heard of? Let's see... there's Doug Henning... and that guy who lived in a cage above London... ah yes, must be that guy.
M: Eric, Gary Porter!
When the answer hit me, I was standing at the board. I laughed so hard I had to sit down. If it hasn't hit you yet, consider the fact that Russian speakers tend to get their "g's" and their "h's" mixed up...
The British textbook we use is lame, so we have to improvise. We're supposed to say things to each other like:
"How much is a hamburger and chips?"
"It's 3 pounds 50p. Would you like some tea?"
"Cheers."
Well, I'll be damned if I'm going to let him talk like that. So instead we make up characters to sit at all the empty desks and ask each other questions about these imaginary friends. Personal details are heavily influenced by the student's (call him "M") favorite hobby.
Eric: Who's that over there? (points at empty chair)
M: Bob.
Eric: What's Bob's last name?
M: Half-Life 2: Counter Strike.
So today, in addition to Bob Half-Life 2: Counter Strike, we were joined by Jim ("Jeem"), an out-of-work Spanish teacher living in L.A., and Tim ("Teem") a plastic surgeon from Las Vegas who plays with his sons in his spare time.
In the fourth chair sat "Gary."
Eric: What's Gary's last name?
M: Him last name "Porter."
Eric: "His"
M: His name Gary Porter.
Eric: "is"
M: Him name is Gary Porter.
And so on.
Eric: What's Gary's job?
M: Magic man.
Eric: Interesting.
M: Yes.
Eric: What languages does he speak?
M: He speak English only. But -- (mimes tapping wand against head) -- plink, now Franch. Now Germany.
Eric: Nice.
Eric: Where does Gary live?
M: He live London, but school in magic world house, something.
Eric:
M: Him train, palace.
Eric: Hmmmm.
Eric: Does Gary have family? (These are the standard questions.)
M: He have parents, but them dead. Them killed with... Bad... Magic Boy.
M is grinning. Something is itching at my brain here.
M: Eric, you know Gary! You heerd him.
Eric: I don't think so.
M: Magical man! (mimes making pen disappear, pulling coin out of ear)
Damn, is this a famous magician I haven't heard of? Let's see... there's Doug Henning... and that guy who lived in a cage above London... ah yes, must be that guy.
M: Eric, Gary Porter!
When the answer hit me, I was standing at the board. I laughed so hard I had to sit down. If it hasn't hit you yet, consider the fact that Russian speakers tend to get their "g's" and their "h's" mixed up...
posted by Eric at 2:14 AM
2 Comments:
maybe, in order to understand the accurate context of that exchange, I should rent the Gary Porter movies on DVD, Er. Randy
I'm working on a novel called "Gary Porter and the Six-Day Workweek." It's going to be much darker than the other GP books.
To be followed by "Gary Porter and the Perpetually Broken Coffee Machine."
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