Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Abu Dhabi



Remember those old Garfield cartoons? Nermal, the intolerably cute kitten, would visit the Garfield residence, full of sunshine and adorable good cheer. World-weary Garfield would invariably threaten to mail the little cutie off to the remotest possible destination… the end of the world… the place symbolizing the most isolated, secluded, primitive locale on earth… Abu Dhabi. Oh, it never stopped being funny, did it?!

Imagine my surprise when I actually visited Abu Dhabi a few months ago, and found it to be… a little different than I expected. The truth is: This is a place where a cat could really get down.

Nermal, while in Abu Dhabi, you will…


Stay at the fabulous Royal Meridian hotel!!


Dash along the traffic-choked streets of downtown!


Dine at a dazzling array of American fast food joints!!


Have all your optical needs met, and drive this fabulous Jaguar!!


See a blockbuster Hollywood film!!


Frolic at Snow World!!

Nermal, you look a little tired after your incredible stay in Abu Dhabi. Just don't forget to pray. Don't worry... by law, there's a mosque every 400 feet!

Friday, May 27, 2005

More Q&A with Grand Ayatollah Ali Sistani



Question: Our hen have drunk water from circles where drinks water the dog. May I eat meat and egg of this bird? Is it haram or not?
Answer: It's permissible.
Eric: Yoda sent this one in by email.

Question: If a person has a lot of doubts in Wudu’, prayer, Ghusl etc. what should he do?
Answer: He should not pay heed to his doubt and keep on considering it as valid (Sahih).

Question: Is it allowed to eat at McDonald restaurant?
Answer: You are allowed to eat those meals which do not contain meat. And you can eat meat also, if the seller is a Muslim and that the seller has made sure that the meat belonged to an animal that had been slaughtered according to Islamic conditions.
Eric: What about Wendy's?

Eric: And finally, here's one that comes up a lot where I'm from:
Question: If a dog falls into a well and was brought out alive, will the well be pure for ablution?
Answer: It is allowed.

Thursday, May 26, 2005

Falconry

We spent half the day in Doha tracking down the falconry shop. When we finally got there – way on the outskirts of the city – we waited two hours for it to open. Finally, we approached it:



Al Jazeera means "the river." The TV network of the same name is also based in Doha. Interesting side note: The Bush administration wants Qatar to sell off al-Jazeera to private investors. Bush is evidently pissed off that the network is too anti-American, and he wants to punish it by choking off its support from the Qatari government. The irony: Jazeera is continued too pro-American by many in the Middle East, including all of the Saudi oil barons who would certainly buy it instantly if it were put on the block. So privatizing it seems likely to make it much more anti-American. Wait! you say. The Bush adminstration, not thinking things through? I'm not buying it! Well, here at elktown – we report, you decide.

Anyway, back to the falcons. There was a strict "no-pictures" policy. So I waited until the guy turned around for two seconds, and I snapped off one (shoddy) photo. Sorry, this is the best I've got, but if you've got another source for live falcon photography, you go there instead, OK? Maybe they've got some falcons at the Burger King.







We were particularly taken with their little hats. They're just too precious! Like little German WWI soldier dolls! But then we learned that their job is basically to gruesomely hunt and slaughter lesser birds. Not unlike the German WWI soldiers, come to think of it. And those hats are the only things standing between the bloodthirsty falcons and their prey. In other words:

Falcon with hat: sweet precious angel.
Falcon without hat: vicious killer.

They are released from the roof of the Burj every hour, on the hour, to circle the building and drive away gulls. With extreme prejudice.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Beaches

The beaches here are just fantastic. One day I saw these pretty boats, merrily going on their way.



Then a whole flotilla sailed into view. Wow! Iran will think twice before invading us now!



A camel dude was hanging out at a different beach.


Tuesday, May 24, 2005

I love you, Jack Stack

If this won't make a KC boy homesick, nothing will. And check out the accompanying article.

Build that thing

Dubai is an ambitious little SOB. They're in a bit of an "imagination bubble" at the moment, in which no big idea is too absurd not to be taken seriously. Last year somebody proposed – as a joke – building an entire miniature city suspended in the air, inside a glass bubble. The newspapers were filled with letters alternately gushing over the idea and decrying it as impractical. I'm not sure which response is stupider.

Here are some of the proposals that actually made it off the drawing board:

"The Palm"*

They built this island in the shape of a palm, right there near the Burj. Lots of expensive beachfront property – not a bad idea. Serena Williams can boat over to Sting's place in like, five minutes.

Everything's going great, except all the sand keeps washing out to sea, and the hammerhead sharks just won't seem to mind their own business. Overall elktown verdict: awesome.

* Photo credit: I don't care.

"The World"

This resort-to-be is still in the early stages of sand dumping. The photo is a rendering I found on a billboard. The idea is to build a little world map out of sand, just off the coast, near the Palm. You can buy whichever parts of the map you want. If they don't sell, I heard the sheikhs are going to distribute them to everybody using dice, a la the board game Risk. Then everybody builds hotels. Sort of Risk meets Monopoly**, I guess.

I heard that before his run of bad luck, culminating in his relocation to the spider hole, our pal Saddam had bought up large parts of "America." That'll teach us, Saddam!***

Overall elktown verdict: Too political. If I want to conquer the world, I'll play a computer game.

** I always like to be the thimble!
*** Hey Saddam, how did that work out for you, by the way?

"The EMAAR resort"

If you buy a penthouse at one of these places, you get a free BMW. I've always wanted a BMW.

Overall elktown verdict: Nice enough, I suppose.

"The Aviation Building"

Never one to make a point subtly when it can be pounded home with the emotional force of a shrieking horde of chimpanzees, the Emiratis designed their aviation training building in the shape of… a giant airplane!

ELKTOWN says: Fly away, little fella!!

Monday, May 23, 2005

A Q&A with Grand Ayatollah Ali Sistani



The following is absolutely real, copied from Grand Ayatollah Ali Sistani's website, along with my comments. These are questions that real people have submitted over the Internet, along with the Grand Ayatollah's real responses. I could not, and would not, make this up.

Question: I want to ask about talking to ones fiancee on telephone, is it permissible or not?
Answer: If talking is free of provocative words and if there is no fear of falling in sin, there is no objection.

Question: I was wondering if it is haram (forbidden) to go to a party where girl's as well as boys attend. The girls may be dressed inappropriately but no drinking is involved?
Answer: Based on obligatory precaution, it is not permissible, unless illicit act is not carried out.
Eric: So, Grand Ayatollah, you're saying we can go to the party, as long as we promise not to shag?

Question: Please could you let me know if a plastic surgery is permissible in Islam?
Answer: It is permissible.

Question: While taking bath, it’s said that one should not keep head under shower for more than one minute, is it true?
Answer: It’s not in order.
Eric: I'm not following you, Grand Ayatollah... Are you saying we're not allowed? Or just that it isn't necessary? Because I really love a hot shower. Does the Qu'ran say anything about how hot the water can be?

Eric: Grand Ayatollah, if you're reading this, could you clear up this point?

Question: What is the definition of Zina (adultery)?
Answer: Zina does not take place without penetration.
Eric: Frankly, that leaves a lot of wiggle room.

Eric: Maybe I could have phrased that better.

Question: Is playing a chess allowed?
Answer: It is absolutely unlawful.

I've been saying it for years

An exceprt from slate.com:

Barbecue is one of the last bastions of local prejudice in American life: Every state in the South—and some in the Midwest—thinks its barbecue is the first, most authentic, and best in the nation. If you want to see hatred, just put a Texan and a North Carolinian in a room and ask them who makes more righteous barbecue. A Democratic presidential candidate could fracture the Republican South with a few well-placed barbecue ads.)

On Wednesday morning, I skipped breakfast and flew to Kansas City—the northern mecca of Barbecue America. I hopped in my rental car and drove directly to the headquarters of the Kansas City Barbeque Society. KCBS is a funny group—a lark that has turned into a major cultural force. Founded more or less on a whim in 1986, the organization now oversees 177 annual barbecue competitions and certifies 6,000 official judges. In the height of summer barbecue season, there are half a dozen contests around the nation every weekend, some drawing hundreds of teams that compete to make divine pork shoulder and brisket with a perfect smoke ring (the pink outer layer that develops in a well-smoked piece of beef). KCBS has vastly increased both the quantity and quality of home barbecuers, which in turn has increased the quality of barbecue everywhere.

KCBS does not take itself too seriously. Its slogan is "Barbecue—not just for breakfast anymore." The office is crammed with pig memorabilia, including a print of Edvard Munch's "The Scream" with a pig in the starring role. It's called "The Squeal."

They do take meat very seriously, though. Stephanie Wilson, who edits the KCBS newsletter, the Kansas City Bull Sheet, offered to take me to a couple of barbecue lunches. Stephanie lit up when I asked her about her own barbecuing. (She also lit up: She, like many barbecue masters, is a cigarette smoker—appreciative of smoke in all its forms.) Stephanie talks about barbecue the way Washingtonians talk about politics. She can discourse learnedly on different kinds of 'cue and recalls past meals with Proustian exactitude. Stephanie is a vivid example of the recent explosion of barbecue culture . A decade ago, she was someone who occasionally liked to eat barbecue. Today, she is half of a championship barbecue team called "Tom and Josh's Orgasmic Slabs." She and her partner enter 22 competitions a year, spending $500 and up per competition and driving their Lang 84 mobile smoker hundreds or thousands of miles every weekend to compete. She was leaving the next day for a competition 400 miles away on the Missouri-Tennessee border. In 2004 alone, she said proudly, Orgasmic Slabs won the Michigan State Barbecue championship, the Colorado Triple Crown, and the Blue Devil/Sunflower State Championship. Their pork took first at the Iowa State BBQ Championship; their chicken was fifth at the Jack Daniels World Championship; and their sauce took second place in the mild-tomato category at the American Royal—the "World Series of Barbecue"—in Kansas City. (Along the way, she has appeared on the Food Network four or five times, she thought.)

Barbecue is Stephanie's business, her hobby, and her family. When she was growing up, her mother smoked brisket. "She was smoking meat when smoking meat wasn't cool." Her brother had started the Orgasmic Slabs, and she joined the squad after his death. Her sister is on the team. Stephanie's 13-year-old son is a junior member and cooks in "kids barbecue" contests.

All the talk left us starving—plus I had been fasting in anticipation of the trip—so we headed over to Oklahoma Joe's, the newest and by many accounts finest of Kansas City's many barbecue institutions. The original Oklahoma Joe's has been operating for nine years in a Kansas City gas station. A few weeks before, a second branch had opened in an upscale mall area. That's where we went.

While we waited on line to order, I pondered a great existential question about modern barbecue. The Chowhound ethos, which has pervaded barbecue as it has other cuisines, teaches that food should be grimy to be great. Proper 'cue, therefore, can only be found in a floors-slick-with-grease country shack, the meat cooked lovingly over archaic equipment by an ancient, surly monster with an impenetrable Southern accent.

But Oklahoma Joe's was the dead opposite. Oklahoma Joe's looked unpromisingly like any other mall restaurant—T.G.I. Friday's-style memorabilia on the walls, televisions playing ESPN mounted over the bar. After we got our food, owner Jeff Stehney sat down with us. A nerdy 44-year-old, Stehney only discovered his barbecue passion after graduating from the University of Kansas and working in sales for Kraft. In the late '80s, he joined a competition barbecue team, Slaughterhouse Five, which won championship after championship. Stehney decided to open his own place.

Stehney was all business. He walked me step-by-step through the tricky economics of earning a profit at a barbecue place. He spoke managementese, had no trace of a Southern accent, and wore a button-down shirt. Yet he makes transcendentally great meat. The brisket we ordered was moist and incredibly smoky. His ribs were even better, crusty on the outside, with meat that pulled right away from the bone, as a perfect rib should.

Stehney invited me and Stephanie back to the kitchen. He grabbed a "burnt end" that had just exited the smoker and asked one of the cooks to chop it up for us. The "burnt end" is, after jazz, Kansas City's most important gift to civilization. Some great Kansas Citian of the past realized that the ends of a barbecued brisket were the fattiest, saltiest, smokiest chunks of meat on God's own Earth. Every barbecue joint in KC—and practically nowhere else—sets aside its burnt ends, chops them up, and serves them with a little sauce. It is a profound experience to eat them. Stehney, Stephanie, and I stood around this particular burnt end and snacked it into oblivion. Stehney talked obsessively and eagerly about the precise way to cut a rib, and the exact temperature at which a burnt end reaches perfection. Listening to him, it was obvious that barbecue passion has nothing to do with grittiness or ancient traditions, that you can be a barbecue genius in a suburban strip mall as easily as on a dirt road.

The burnt ends stacked up in my belly and suffused my whole body with a comforting warmth. Stehney, burnt end clasped between thumb and forefinger, entered a kind of reverie.

"I grew up in Oklahoma, but I had no experience with barbecue until college. One day, we went into Kansas City, and some friends took me to Arthur Bryant's. I thought it was the worst crap I had ever tasted. Some years later, I was at a friend's bachelor party and someone had brought Arthur Bryant's, and I tried it again, and I realized ..." He trails off, unable to put into words how important this life change was.

He paused and continued. "So, you have to go to Arthur Bryant's. If there is one place you have to go in Kansas City, go to Arthur Bryant's. Go to Arthur Bryant's."

Friday, May 20, 2005

Goodbye Potomac


The Potomac river.

And Georgetown.









Thursday, May 19, 2005

A few American faces


The paparazzi still will not leave my sister alone!


They follow her even into bed! Those dirty bloodhounds!


It's wedding time. The groom tries to wink at me.


Tim's brother has a total John Lennon thing going on. I dubbed him "Ladykiller 2010."

Her place card said, "Guest." But…

"Call me… 'G'."


Such a picturesque scene. The love, the flowers, the American flag – it could bring a tear to your eye. Great picture, Kelly Anne!

And CONGRATULATIONS TIM AND TRACEY!!!

Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Iconic French things

Some things you can see only in France.






Outside Notre Dame.










The Latin Quarter in the early morning.


Classy metro.




Bikes at Place St. Michel.


This is how I knew I had really left the Middle East.


In the Middle East, women are "respected" by hiding them under black cloth. In contrast, this is how France shows it respects women.


The Seine has a big island in the middle, called Ile de la Cite. There's the very tip of the island, where we used to sit and watch the boats. That's my favorite spot in Paris. In the background is the Louvre.

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Quai walk

That's pronounced "Key Walk," for you American boobs.

After Notre Dame, I strolled along the Seine. It was real purty.









That's the Louvre in the background. Let's take a closer look at those guys. They're so French.



Looks like it was a great conversation.

When I was in college, they built a new dorm. While they figured out what to name the place, they just called it "New Hall." Eight years later, it's still called "New Hall." What are the odds that they'll finally come up with a name soon?



Well, here's one clue. This is the Pont Neuf – at 400-some years old, it's the oldest bridge in Paris. The name means "New Bridge."

Take a closer look at the face carvings. I'm telling you, these carver dudes had a sense of humor.







And finally, my favorite moment along the Quai…



Look, I told you about my thing with birds, OK? I love the little guys. And they don't come prettier than these. Just like everything in Paris, actually.