I join the ranks of Twain, Hemingway and Steinbeck

When I try to access my own website, this is the message I get:

Now that elktown has officially been censored by the UAE powers-that-be, I think it is indisputable that my work joins the pantheon that includes To Kill a Mockingbird, Tom Sawyer and The Grapes of Wrath. I am truly humbled. Now I must join Salman Rushdie in hiding away from the Islamic world, living forever on the run, with nothing to console me but my fame, my beautiful western women and my millions of dollars.

But back in the real world for a second, before any family members of mine fly into a panic, the truth is a little more mundane. My best guess is that automatic Internet filters in this country censor ALL websites that aren't pre-approved by the government. Since at least I can still read my own words, if not see the pictures, I'll phrase the next part delicately to avoid the censor-bots: This culture is so terrified of SECKS-SHOO-ALITY that it defies belief. I think that NO Internet images are allowed unless from registered websites. Censorship is the default setting here. It simply took the censor-bots a week to catch up to elktown.

I went to see the Jude Law movie "Alfie" last night in a huge Dubai theater. Jude Law plays a loverboy, so there were some scenes of, ah, let's use the phrase adult situations. At least, I presume there were -- but in this version, every time Jude leaned in for a smooch with a lady, the movie awkwardly jumped to the next scene.

You might think I would have felt cheated -- I mean, I payed D.C. ticket prices and yet what I can only assume were long stretches of the movie were just chopped out. But not to worry: The theater more than made up for the lost time by padding the beginning with a full 30 minutes of commercials, not including previews.

Jude Law vs. two Arab women

Sitting in the row behind me, two Arab women offered a loud, unapologetic running commentary on "Alfie." I can't lie to you: It was hilarious. Jude Law would speak directly to the camera, navel-gazing in his little British accent. The women would answer. Here's a sample. (Quotes are approximations -- I wasn't taking notes, or really, paying attention at all).

Jude Law: I've got a good job, lots of women, and a nice Manhattan flat. But I don't have peace of mind. Is it enough?

Woman #1: No!
Woman #2: Yes!

Jude Law: If I don't have Marisa Tomei, and I don't have Susan Sarandon, and I don't have that girl who played the secretary on Ally McBeal, or even that other blond girl, what do I have?

Woman #1: You're handsome!
Woman #2: You're pretty!
Both: You have money.

Can you see the pictures?

I can't see the pictures on my own website anymore. This is the message I get:

"We apologize the site you are attempting to visit has been blocked due to its content being inconsistent with the religious, cultural, political and moral values of the United Arab Emirates."

The rest is in Arabic with a big red STOP sign. It's kind of hilarious, actually. But can you still see the pictures? Give me some feedback.

The tsunami

U.A.E is like Florida in reverse – a peninsula that juts north instead of south. Dubai is on the west coast of that peninsula, on the Persian Gulf. The tidal waves lashed the east side of our peninsula, in Oman, but tucked inside the lip of the Gulf, we saw no effects. The east coast of Africa, to the south and farther from the quake than we are, was also battered. In other words, we are a coastal city and were close enough to suffer. We were protected only by the grace of God and geography, though all of my neighbors are Indian and some of their families may have been affected. Dubai residents have given charity aid in vast quantities, though the city being what it is, of course you hear stories like the man who donated a $1,000 designer suit.

The last word in Dubai photography

Amateur photographers of the Middle East, put down your cameras. All that needs to be said about Dubai has been said in this photo:



You can get a much better view by double-clicking on the picture. It’s a Lamborghini Diablo. Notice the Emirati guy, in traditional Arab dress dating back God knows how many centuries, is blabbing away into his cell phone, which is no doubt more advanced than anything we’ve seen in the United States. This photo was taken at the entrance to Medina Jumeirah.

New Year's at Medina Jumeirah

Take a look at Medina Jumeirah:










And by night:



It’s quite lovely. The trees, the waterways, the stylish towers: It looks like the Elven magical city in the forest from Lord of the Rings. Only the elves didn’t have a Lamborghini parked outside their magical city.

One other difference: Medina Jumeirah is a mall. It’s actually Souk Medina Jumeirah, which is Arabic for Medina Jumeirah Mall. This is a mall that might impress even those of you reared in the magnificent shadow of the Great Mall of the Great Plains in Olathe, Kansas. It has everything a mall should have: chic bars, trendy clubs, wildly overpriced restaurants, and, of course, a Cinnabon.

I love thinking that maybe somebody drove that Lamborghini up to Medina Jumeirah just to pick up a double-dipped pecan bun and some chocolate milk.

Because Christians like to spend money too, Souk Medina Jumeirah features two – yes, two – enormous Christmas trees, bedecked with glowing lights like nothing I’ve ever seen before this side of the White House lawn.



Note Arab man in corner for size perspective.

The mall surrounds a multi-leveled pavilion where you can sit, drink your non-alcoholic beverages ($7 beer is for inside, silly) and watch the boats sail around the little canals to nowhere. Up in the club, nestled in the top level among the medieval elf towers, a massive light display performed all night New Year’s Eve. The central feature was a spinning circle – it looked like an old-style rotary telephone, red background with white dots, just spinning away. Once I got so entranced that I couldn’t look away and I almost fell over. Tipsiness had nothing to do with it.

And here’s the part I’ve been waiting to tell you: Medina Jumeirah, lush as it is, sits in the shadow of a true giant of luxury. Towering over the souk, massive, glowing, regal in its grandeur, blinking and shimmering and changing colors like a beautiful but needy child craving attention – the Burj al-Arab.

Burj al-Arab

The Burj is my Everest. I’m drawn to it. When it’s anywhere near me, I can’t look away. This is the world’s only seven-star hotel, a sail-shaped colossus parked on an island just off Dubai’s Gulf coast. It’s so glorious. Only the Lord and a handful of very, very rich people know the delights that are hidden within.

Here are some more pictures:





It's so beautiful that even the locals want to take pictures of it:



The Burj with a boat:



The Burj at night:





The Burj is needy, as I said, but not too needy. Don’t ever think the Burj isn’t aware of its own awesome power. In other words, though the Burj calls out for attention by changing its color once in a while, it doesn’t do it that often. The Burj plays it cool.

But as 2005 approached, with only seconds left in the old year, the Burj suddenly bestirred itself into a frenzy of glittery activity. The entire face of the hotel, from toe to crown, changed colors furiously while blinking lights rocketed up and down its edges. Four sharp spotlights flared into existence and zipped back and forth across the sky with the grace and confidence of the guy at the club who knows he’s the best dancer in the place.

Someday I will dare to enter the Burj. Look for more Burj photos on this page. In the meantime, here’s the Burj wishing you a Happy New Year: