51st State Dept.

I was just talking to a guy on a bus. He says, "You are from Germany?" Me: America. Him: Which part America you are from? New York? Canada?

Godspeed Homer

This is me with my favorite English class. Three Persian girls, one Persian woman, a Chinese Emirati, an American man and a cartoon character. Not bad for diversity.



Camera phones – not the greatest picture quality.



Here's Alaleh, a hilarious and brilliant girl. She asked for my Homer doll – a brazen thing to do, considering that I've had it for five years and it's been my teaching prop since my very first class. She asked me for it, and on the spur of the moment, I gave it to her. I was surprised as soon as the words left my mouth, but I don't regret it. It was touching to see her clutch that thing – in the two hours after she took it, she didn't let it out of her arms for one second.

It also means that one day, Homer's going to live in Iran, a destiny I would not have envisioned for him when Liz gave him to me all those years ago. If President Bush has been pondering the best way to achieve regime change in Iran, let him look no further. Homer will be our Trojan Horse, a sort of cultural D-Day storming across the Straits of Hormuz. Stand down the armies, Mr. President; Homer's going in. American culture is arriving in Iran and the country will never, ever be the same.

And when the mullahs fall one day, and Fox Iran starts broadcasting Simpsons reruns 8 times a day, and Muslim, Christian and Jew dance together in the streets of Tehran -- you can tell your friends that you witnessed the very moment, the very instant that America entered the Iranian bloodstream, never to be displaced. It's breathtaking, isn't it?

What happens when I am forced to hang around a mall with nothing to do – Episode II

Anybody seen Star Wars III yet?


All is calm and serene in the peaceful little land of the animals. Think of this as the untroubled planet of the Ewoks, or Wookies, if you will.


The delightful, fuzzy little animals play happily together. Think of the adorableness of the Ewoks, combined with the lovability of the Wookies – multiplied by a billion.


But in a galaxy not far, far away, an evil power is rising. These droids – or clones – or storm troopers – or trade federation separatists – or whatever they were, honestly, I couldn't understand one single goddamned word of the first two Star Wars movies – these evil toy robots are gathering their thimble weapons and conferring menacingly.


You better believe there's going to be trouble.

Another helping of Q&A with Grand Ayatollah Ali Sistani

Let's talk about sex, Grand Ayatollah!

Question: Can husband and wife have sex with each other while looking at each other in a mirror?
Answer: It's permissible.
Eric: Freaky!

Question: Is play between husband and wife allowed, like touching, feeling, kissing, sucking?
Answer: No problem if he makes sure it does not bring about janabah (major ritual impurity).
Eric: Oh wow, I wonder what that is!

Question: I want to know the ruling on oral sex?
Answer: It is obligatory precaution not permissible; it's very disgust if she agrees.

Question: Is oral sex by husband or wife allowed?
Answer: It is permissible provided no liquid swallowed.

Question: When I am unable to do Muta’h* (temporary marriage), am I allowed to masturbate?
Answer: Masturbation is not permissible under any circumstances.
Eric: And at last, there you have it: suicide missions explained.

Eric: Did I go too far with that one? I think so.

Question: If my wife wants me to masturbate in front of her, is it then allowed?
Answer: You are not allowed to do it with hand, but your wife is.
Eric: Grand Ayatollah Ali Sistani is like a wonderful, magical combination of Dr. Phil and Dr. Ruth.

Eric: With the statecraft skills of Dr. Condoleezza Rice.

Eric: He is also, in many ways, like God.

Question: What is an orgy?
Answer: It's forbidden.

* Temporary marriage means one night. It's so Muslim men can sleep with prostitutes.**
** Seriously.

A conversation through the looking glass with Miss Julia

J: Why is this bus still sitting here?
E: I'll just read a book whilst I wait. Spot on.
J: I paid my money just like everybody else!
E: If things go pear-shaped, I'll just have a go back, then.
J: This is crazy.
E: Naff.
J: It's ludicrous!
E: Buuuu'h... I don't mind. I don't seem to mind a't'all.

Burj dreams

Some facts about the Burj:

• The Burj was, until recently, the world's only seven-star hotel. Now it's one of two. The other is in Abu Dhabi. So that's something for Nermal to think about next time Garfield mails him there.
  
  
• The Burj is meant to resemble a giant sailboat. It does, in fact, look like one, evidenced by the fact that my friends and I once saw a real sailboat on the Persian Gulf and we all remarked, at the same time: "That boat looks like the Burj."
  
  
• The Burj has a giant cross on the sea-facing side. Yes, that's right: A. Giant. Cross. That's "cross," as in, Christianity, and "giant," as in, it's possibly ten times taller than that red metal tower that they use to launch the space shuttle. It is definitively the biggest cross in the Middle East, and possibly the biggest in the world.
  
  How did such a giant cross – a GIANT cross! – get to be built in a country so Islamic that it shuns toilet paper, on the grounds that the name of Allah could possibly be written out in doo-doo?* The answer is that the Burj's South African architect snuck that cross on there, and not a single person noticed until it was done. The sheikhs only realized it when the architect bragged about it after the fact. He was quickly jailed.
  
  Don't worry, they eventually let him go when they couldn't think of a reason to hold him. Now it's the funniest part on the Jumeirah tour. For God's sake, the cross is pointed right at Iran, just a few steps across the Gulf! And of course Saudi Arabia, that beacon of unwavering good sense, is plenty pissed off. Many of Dubai's license plates have a drawing of the Burj, much like the Statue of Liberty on New York plates. Saudi won't allow those cars to enter. Way to go, Saudi! That'll teach those Christians!**
  
  
  You can see the outline of the cross opposite the Starship Enterprise there. You'll recall that the Starship Enterprise helipad also serves as a tennis court, fondly known by me as The Highest Court in the Land.***
  
  
• The Burj has an underwater seafood restaurant. So that while you eat a fish, its surviving relatives can watch you.
  
  
• Baskin Robbins 31 Flavors has an ice cream treat named "The Burj." It's a giant, heaping mound of ice cream.
  
  
• You may recall that I once swore, near the beginning of my Dubai adventure, that I would enter the Burj, so help me God. As it turns out, God wasn't in a helping sort of mood on this one.
  
  It never happened, though not for lack of effort on my part. I wasn't able to get a reservation, even for dinner. I'm simply not Burj material, people. For the gaping chasm in stature between the Burj and myself, the Burj might as well be the moon. I won't be visiting either one. The Burj has become a symbol for unquenchable yearning, an unattainable ideal of perfection floating on a plane of existence I will never even understand, let alone experience. Also, $52 seems really steep for a door charge.
  
  So here's my final shot of the Burj, glimmering in twilight. The photo was taken with my face pressed up against the iron gate, my arms snaked through the bars so at least the camera could taste the pleasure of visiting the Burj grounds. Adieu, Burj. You cold, beautiful bitch.

* Unconfirmed but highly plausible.
** Cursed infidels!
*** Yeah, I stole that joke, OK? What are you going to do about it?

What happens when I am forced to hang around a mall with nothing to do – Part I

Deira City Center Mall in Dubai is probably as large as the National Mall in Washington, DC. Remember that 1963 photo of all the people at the civil rights rally listening to Martin Luther King, Jr.?


Now imagine all those people waiting in line at Starbucks.

I hate malls, especially when they're this crowded. But this mall experience was to prove a fateful one. So, I'm walking by this knick-knack store and suddenly I stumble upon one of the most bizarre sights of my young life. There's a UFO, hovering right there in front of my face. An honest-to-God U-F-O.

A UFO!

It buzzed around the enormous central corridor of the mall. I was digging frantically for my camera. What you are about to see are actual photos of a UFO, taken by me, Eric, and displayed now to you. These photos have not been doctored in any way.


Okay, they have been doctored in one small way.


The UFO seemed to be controlled by a bored-looking alien with a remote control.


Dear God, it's attacking the children!!!


It attacks me!!! Mayday!! Mayday!!


I go down!!


The UFO escapes!